Journal
Your breath…
Do you realise the power it can wield?
It is our life force and constant companion; from our very first moments, to our very last.
At once unassuming and extraordinary; bringing life to our bodies and vitality to our spirit.
It calms our nerves and smooths over our frayed edges.
It ignites our passions and fuels our creativity.
It steadies us when we falter, and brings clarity and peace.
It pushes us to keep going when nothing else can.
It will shift what no longer serves us, and replaces it with hope.
It brings us to here and now, and allows us to see the truth.
And it will, if we allow it, shine a light on our shadow;
Uncover the depths of our despair, reveal the rage buried within, and expose the fears we evade.
Then, without judgement, guide us through the other side; exhausted, elated, grateful, a new.
It gives us permission to let go.
And we can access this power at any time. It belongs to us. It is ours. And when we take a breath, we say yes to life.
Dear Edward
To Dear perfect precious Edward, I am so sorry I didn’t get to meet you here on this earth little one, but I love you all the same. I take solace knowing that you always knew comfort and warmth in your perfect mother’s womb. Lulled to sleep by the soft beat of her heart. Comforted by the daily sounds of your beautiful family. Their voices felt like home to you.
Their presence, a warm blanket of safety and security.
When your fun loving, gentle and dedicated Father embraced your Mother, caressed her stomach, and said ‘I love you’. You received that love.
Sharing the outrage
Like many of us, I have been feeling a lot of anger and frustration towards men for not stepping up and being more active in trying to end the abuse, oppression and violence towards women and non binary people. I feel angry that so many men do not appear to share my outrage. And when I think about this, my thoughts keep coming back to this one thing…to all those groups of people who are always treated as less than.
I remember…
My daughter is three, and I have been thinking a lot lately about what life will be like for her. And I have been feeling angry. As a young girl I remember learning very quickly that if I was quiet, and sweet, and smiled, people would like me. Especially boys and men. I remember feeling special when people told me I looked pretty. Especially boys. Like that was the most important thing in the world.
Fear training
I recently participated in a fear training workshop while at WamJam 2018 – the Australian Women’s Parkour gathering – in Adelaide this year. Our challenge was to walk along a wall, about 30cm wide, turn around when we reached the end, and walk back. Sounds simple, right? The catch was that the wall was high (by my standards at least)! It was bounded by a roof on one side, which was only about a half meter drop, while the other side fell away to a concrete carpark over 5 metres below.
Training with the Yamakasi
Last week I spent four days with Chau Belle and Yann Hnautra (two of the original Yamakasi group, and founders of the ADD Academy), and Stephane Mounmounne (ADD coach). I was a participant in a series of Art Du Deplacement workshops, and it was an amazing experience. I was pushed both physically and mentally, left feeling sore and bruised, but also full of gratitude and motivation.
Healing and gratitude
Death visited me at a young age. When I was three years old my baby sister Brenda Simone died when she was just 5.5 months old after contracting meningitis. I don’t remember a lot about that time. But I do remember seeing her on the morning she died. I remember my Dad holding her; she had purple spots all over her. I remember the sense of panic. I remember we stayed at a friends house while Mum and Dad were at the hospital. I remember when they came to pick us up, Brenda wasn’t with them.
Parkour and imaginary friends
When I was a child I had an imaginary friend. She was a girl who looked like me, and her name was Champion Girl (I know, weird, but bear with me!) Champion Girl had a specific purpose. She served to make me better….at anything I was doing. You see, I have always been quite a competitive person, but more so with myself than anyone else. I have always wanted to be the best version of my self that I could be, in everything that I do. That may sound a bit lofty, but it is the truth. And Champion Girl helped fuel this drive in me.
(Not so) great expectations
Expectations… They can sabotage our thoughts and our actions with their lingering presence. They are the irritating mosquito buzzing around our ear at night that just won’t quit. They are that merciless song that gets stuck in our head; we try to ignore, but it just keeps persisting! They loom, they loiter, they lurk – suffocating us with their relentless ‘shoulds’. They are the ultimate killjoy.
Finally
I can feel you getting closer. You have always been there. You have watched me please and appease and remain silent and be silenced. You have seen me remove one mask, to then replace it with another. You have seen me search in all the wrong places. As you get nearer it becomes harder. Wading though years of anger and pain and loss and fear.
Dads
Your eyes light up as you see each other from across the yard. She runs to you; wobbly, smiling, arms outstretched. You reflect her delight as you smile back, eyes twinkling. Happy… You bend down and draw her in gently. I see your eyes close briefly as you rest your head on hers. You breathe her in, savouring the moment.
Kids are people too…
I recently asked my 6-year-old son if he thinks most adults like children. He said no. I asked if he thinks most adults treat children fairly or with respect. He said no. I asked if he thinks adults bully children. He said yes. (He did clarify that he wasn’t talking about me, but what he has observed).
Far too often…
Far too often the oppressed are not consulted. The minority groups are kept out of the conversation. The decisions are made for them, without them. Far too often the policies, and enquiries, and initiatives are created and implemented, without any significant involvement from the very groups they are designed to help.
A birth blessing
As your baby journeys to meet you, May your gentle strength ground you; May your unwavering power support you; May your fierce love energise you; May your dreams inspire you to keep going; And may the energy and wisdom of all mothers – past, present and future – guide and protect you.
They deserve better
My beautiful baby looks up at me and smiles as she lays in my arms. Touching my face – her little fingers run over my lips, pull on my nose, and touch my cheeks. She is perfectly herself – innocent and full of wonder. She deserves peace, and kindness, and safety, and security, and support, and compassion, and so much love.
Embracing excitement
One of my favourite feelings is excitement. It is an exquisite mix of happiness, joy, and anticipation. It is innocent and thrilling and childlike. I have a memory from when I was probably about 8 or 9. I was all ready to go to a birthday party; I was sitting in the car in my favourite dress, and my excitement level was palpable. I felt like my insides were going to explode out of me, and I could barely contain it. The anticipation felt immense…my stomach was in a knot of frantic little butterflies, all wanting to get to that party.
Fostering connection
A sense of connection looks different for all of us, and will change depending on who we are with, how we feel, and what we are doing. But one thing that I think rings true for all of us, is how it makes us feel. When you feel connected to someone, or something, you feel safe, you feel content, you feel accepted, and you feel understood. And even when it is fleeting, it feels awesome!
One day…
One day you will sit in that chair by the window. The afternoon sun will shine through the blinds and warm your face. You will sink in to the soft chair that you picked out especially for this spot. It will hug your body as you sip on a cup of tea and pick at pieces of dark mint chocolate. You will start and finish many books in this spot. You will drink many cups of tea in this spot. You will eat many pieces of chocolate in this spot. But not today.
Discovering our differences
In 2015 our eldest son was officially diagnosed as Autistic. This diagnosis confirmed what we already knew, and was a wonderful thing for our family. It has opened up our lives to some truly amazing people, thoughts and ideas. We started the diagnosis process in mid 2014. We got a referral from our GP to a Paediatrician, who then referred us on to a Speech Pathologist and Psychologist, and we received the diagnosis in April 2015.
A healing birth
The best part of 2015 for us was the birth of our daughter. Our third child, and first daughter was born on the 10th September 2015. She was born in water, at home, and it was pretty darn special. As always, when a new person comes in to a family there is a period of adjustment for everyone. It can be particularly difficult for older siblings as they adapt to sharing another person with Mum and Dad, and navigating the new dynamics.
Officially unschooling
Our eldest child turned 5 in 2015, and that meant that he was at compulsory school age. We had decided that homeschooling was definitely the way to go for us in 2014. We didn’t send our son to Kindergarten as I was concerned about the formal push down of education at such a young age. Then I read more and more about homeschooling, unschooling, and natural learning, and the more I read, the more I knew this was the right thing for our family.